"Take these broken wings and make them fly"

It's been awhile since I've journaled..it seems as though my thoughts lately are pretty scattered, and my soul is dis-content. A few months ago I prayed this Prayer out of Psalms 139, where it says, "Search me o Lord and know my heart, try me and know my anxious thoughts, and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me to Your everlasting path."..Well since that prayer, God is in the process of that heart surgery..and it hurts. It like He has that scalpel in His hand, and He is digging out the infection.

I really want to be in a place of transparency...there was a season in my life, where I was there..no walls, no pretenses, what you saw is what you got, the good the bad and the ugly..I wore my heart out on my sleeve, I cried when I hurt, laughed from my gut when I felt joy..loved hard..and then came lots of pain, hurt inflicted, times when I was honest about what was really going on..and over and over, by the people I trusted, people I opened my heart up too..who I felt were safe..I got slammed..and I allowed circumstances, people, to rob my joy.

There was a Beattle song..where the lyrics went like this.."take these broken wings and make them fly"..Lord I want to fly again! Take the broken wings and make them fly, get me back to that place of being real. I have been encouraged to journal again, to help bring healing to my heart..

Sometime ago..I shut down....I compare it to a butterfly..there was a time..like a butterfly..I was free, felt beautiful..and instead of staying true to myself, true to the Lord..I allowed the poison to creep in..I allowed others to dictate my truth..His truth..that He was trying to do..and slowly that butterfly, crept back into it's cocoon..and wrapped the walls of the cocoon around itself..thinking it was a safe place..in here where it's lonely, the walls around..your safe..

What a lie! It's lonely..I cut myself off of everyone..I learned to play the game..fake it until you make it..put the smile on, say the right words, don't let anyone to close...because if you do..they will hurt you! I'm tired of that game. I want out of the coccoon..It's no fun in there, it's dark and lonely.

God, make me a butterfly again..let me be real again..let me take risks of being transparent. Yes, I may get hurt, but I have closed myself off so much of knowing love. Lord fill me with YOUR love..so that I can love others again, in the way that You love.."take these broken wings and make them fly."