Seasons

The older I'm getting, the more I'm seeing that my reflection, my mirror (Heart) ...(thanks Grammy for that mirror blog) needs some re-adjustment..some honesty here..as long as I felt good on the outside..cute hair day, make-up to hide those flaws, then I would think that I felt good on the inside..

Since turning 50..things are changing fast..(the outside)..and I'm feeling very insecure on the inside..it's a growth thing..realizing that my happiness, security, feeling good about myself, was so depended on the outward..I desire for my mirror to reflect the beauty that I know only comes from HIM..so I'm really pressing in to HIM...asking that He would my all..

This season of life has been a tough one..empty nest syndrome..trying to find my true identity and purpose..separate from being a wife, mom, etc...realizing that alot of my happiness was dependent on outwardly things, and it wasn't until God started removing those things..in one way or the other, I'm realizing that He hasn't had first place in my life..

I read a blog earlier from a friend..about idols in your life..and in this season of my life..when everything that I was dependent on for happiness, has been in one way or the other been removed, it was only then, I saw the emptiness inside my heart..my idols were my marriage, ( I am still married, but my husband cannot fill that hole, and for along time put that on him), my daughter..who is on her own path now, but for many years, she filled that void.. even church busyness, & ministry became a way to fill that void. Friends who have moved away..a mom who has passed away..a dad who is far away...when God removed those idols, was then.. that I realized He has not been first place in my life...

So although this season is tough..it's kind of that re-finers fire time..it is a time that I am asking God to become that first place in my life..the ONE and only... that can bring purpose, joy, fullfillment...and to be honest..even though I have been a Christian for many years..and thought He was 1, it wasn't until those idols got removed...did I discover...He was not first place..

So even though it feels like winter season, the lonliness, the bitter cold at times..the emptyness..all that I was going through..has brought me to a place of real dependance on HIM...And He is showing me, That it is only in HIM..that can fill those empty places..not husbands, not children, not church, not busyness, not work, not tv, not nothing, Just HIM..