"Take these broken wings and make them fly"

It's been awhile since I've journaled..it seems as though my thoughts lately are pretty scattered, and my soul is dis-content. A few months ago I prayed this Prayer out of Psalms 139, where it says, "Search me o Lord and know my heart, try me and know my anxious thoughts, and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me to Your everlasting path."..Well since that prayer, God is in the process of that heart surgery..and it hurts. It like He has that scalpel in His hand, and He is digging out the infection.

I really want to be in a place of transparency...there was a season in my life, where I was there..no walls, no pretenses, what you saw is what you got, the good the bad and the ugly..I wore my heart out on my sleeve, I cried when I hurt, laughed from my gut when I felt joy..loved hard..and then came lots of pain, hurt inflicted, times when I was honest about what was really going on..and over and over, by the people I trusted, people I opened my heart up too..who I felt were safe..I got slammed..and I allowed circumstances, people, to rob my joy.

There was a Beattle song..where the lyrics went like this.."take these broken wings and make them fly"..Lord I want to fly again! Take the broken wings and make them fly, get me back to that place of being real. I have been encouraged to journal again, to help bring healing to my heart..

Sometime ago..I shut down....I compare it to a butterfly..there was a time..like a butterfly..I was free, felt beautiful..and instead of staying true to myself, true to the Lord..I allowed the poison to creep in..I allowed others to dictate my truth..His truth..that He was trying to do..and slowly that butterfly, crept back into it's cocoon..and wrapped the walls of the cocoon around itself..thinking it was a safe place..in here where it's lonely, the walls around..your safe..

What a lie! It's lonely..I cut myself off of everyone..I learned to play the game..fake it until you make it..put the smile on, say the right words, don't let anyone to close...because if you do..they will hurt you! I'm tired of that game. I want out of the coccoon..It's no fun in there, it's dark and lonely.

God, make me a butterfly again..let me be real again..let me take risks of being transparent. Yes, I may get hurt, but I have closed myself off so much of knowing love. Lord fill me with YOUR love..so that I can love others again, in the way that You love.."take these broken wings and make them fly."

Alone..(another poem I wrote as a teenager) My search for God

A flower stands alone, full of beauty and strenth. A tree stands alone, reaching out it's limbs with it's many lengths. The sun shines alone, with it's brightness pouring down it's many drops of goodness. And yet I stand alone, full of fear and lonliness. Sometimes when I'm alone, I wish I could feel comfortable with it. That I could stand alone like the flowers, and the trees, and the sun, filled up with beauty, strength, and brightess. But I feel empty inside.

My arms reach out for something, but seem to touch nothing. I want that emptyness to disappear, and that feeling of fullfillment to appear. I wish I could walk alone, and shine, and feel that inner peace inside, Instead of sometimes feeling as if I'm dying inside. I know that something is missing, and what I know that is, is God!

Today more than anything, I know that I need God to come live inside my soul. I need that faith to depend on, for HIM to come and make me full. So i don't have to feel alone, and not have to fear..to be able to feel HIS presence, and know that He is near..and never again have to feel alone..Teri Larsen McShane..written 10/2/1974

Poems that I wrote as a teenager "ME"

It's funny..sometimes I still feel like this..

"I smile and laugh on the outside, but inside I'm hurting and crying. I know I must accept growing up and becoming an adult, but sometimes my heart yearns to become a child again. I speak out in words don't mean anything to me, and hide my true feelings and thoughts inside of me. People say that they know me but not really at all, for the real me is lost somewhere down deep in my soul.

All of us play many different parts, and hide our true feelings inside our hearts. We loose a lot of our true identity when young, to start playing the games that society begun. For sometimes we feel we must put on an act, instead of standing up for ourselves, and showing people where were really at. Sometimes, we wish that we were that or this, or him or who, instead of accepting that I am I and you are you.

We must be ourselves all of the time, and let out our laughter, and not be afraid of crying. We should not be afraid to be a child once in awhile, to reach out and touch someone, to let out our smile. To listen to others as much as we can, for we all have our stories, and not necessarily with beginnings or ends.

I write these words, for this is how I feel, words I hide inside myself, instead of speaking out loud. "But if you just touch me soft and gentle, if you listen to my story, I will grow, really grow. Written by Teri Larsen McShane..2/20/1973

Camping, Why do i enjoy it so much..re-posted!

Camping, Why Do We Enjoy It So Much..by Teri K. McShane
Monday, July 13, 2009
I am asking myself that as I'm packing everything up from the garage, making my list of make sure we have the camp chairs, matchs, we need to find firewood, the nasty, smelling mosquito repellent, the water, cooler, hotdogs, buns,...More food then we usually eat for a normal weekend. Lets see, we can't forget the sleeping bags, pillows, flash lights, ice..man, what am I thinking, this is a lot of work for just one weekend. Then theirs the dog we decide to get, after all the kids move out..what were we thinking? So we can't forget his food, crate, blanket, the rope, and the leash.

So now we have everything packed up, you would think we were going for a week, and thus begins the 2 hour drive up to the lake. Yay! leave the distractions behind, no TV, no business calls, no..I wonder whose on Facebook, no house work. But wait, what am I trading all that for? No comphy bed, no real stove to cook on, no shower. I am forced to do my business in one of those stinky sani-cans, and I never understood why do thy call them "sani-cans," or Honey Buckets, they are neither sanitary nor anything smelling like honey! I go in there and won't even dare to sit on the seat, I shut my eyes, because I don't dare want to see whats in the bucket. I plug my nose, and hold my breath, and hear the many flies buzzing around inside the Honey Bucket. They obviously enjoy it in there. Ok, I know..TMI, to much information. So back to the joys of camping!

Ok, so where was I? Oh yea, the drive up..we hit our last point of normal civilization, before the cell phones cut out. No more sightings of stores, restaurants, but there's the Walgrens. We realize that we forgot the paperplates, matchs, and bowl to feed Harley. We stop and pick up the last of the necessities, and on the road again.

A good chance to talk to the Hubby, well I do most of the talking, and hopefully he's listening. So we finally get up to beautiful Bakerlake, and it is beautiful. The mountain so close to us, it seems as though you can reach out and touch it, the hillsides, snow-packed peaks, chystal clear lake. Oh, this is going to be such a peaceful, relaxing time. We check in, cannot wait to see our campsite, so ready to relax and enjoy. Campsite # 35...What! This wasn't the campsite they described, no privacy, we are nestled between to other campsites, full of teens on both sides, theirs like dozens of them, like within arms length of us, doing their teen things, dancing, singing, chasing each other, screaming who knows what, just the normal teen stuff, lets get rowdy..I remember the days. So we settle in, accepting this will be home for the weekend, and atleast we have the Lake right across from us.

Next the adventure of backing the tent trailor into the campsite. We need to find the best area, where it's the most level. I jump out of the truck, feeling like one of those people that direct the airplanes in. "Honey, to the left, no, no! Back to the right! Your gonna hit that stump! Steve jumps out, obviously not trusting my judgement. We have people on both sides watching us interact..ok, were accountible here, keep our tempers in check. We manage to get it parked..Time to unload.

Oh my goodness, Steve brought everything but the kitchen sink..wait a minute, he did bring the kitchen sink..what's he thinking? I'm not doing dishes, no way buddy, the housework, I am leaving at the house. There's enough firewood to last us for a week, out goes the wood, the camp chairs, the cooler..Wow, I'm getting a workout! And this is relaxing? OH NO, wheres Harley? He ran off to the lake. We finally get him out of the water, and he decides to dry off and roll in the sand, and then shakes it off, the water the sand, all over me.

Time to grab the chairs out so we can finally just sit and relax and enjoy the beautiful surroundings. finally, relax time. And here they come, buzzing in our ears, landing on any bare skin exposed. Slap! Gross! A dead mosquito, guts, blood..probably mine, squashed on my arm. What, horse flies too, they bite also. We decide to go down to the lake, bring the chairs, the dog, and off we go.

It is beautiful, that you cannot deny..almost undescribable for words..this is what it's all about..time to unwind. Harley sitting at his masters feet, being obedient, breathing in the fresh mountain air. OH NO, more dogs, I just attached his leash to my chair..and he bolts, and there goes the chair, with me left floundering in the sand, trying to recover..he's pulling the chair..and off Steve goes chasing the chair and Harley.

Back at camp..Steve starts the campfire..the smoke seems to keep away the skeeters, atleast for awhile. or were just in denial..we decide to go for a walk..everyone stops to admire Harley..calling him pretty boy, handsome..were so proud..around the corner..it's the border collie from the lake..Harley bolts, pulling my arm darn near out of it's socket..I'm holding on for dear life.."Harley stop!" Finally back in control.

Back at camp once again, it's starting to get dark..Steve decides to put on that good smelling mosquito repellent, rubs it all over himself, "nice cologne honey,"..I refuse to put on that stinky, sticky stuff. Steve puts more wood on the fire..and I continue to write, about.."The joys of camping." Steve asks what are you doing..I share just writing..tell him I'm sort of deep in thought right now..trying to get back to my writing mode..He responds back.."Yea, I get deep in thought at times, usually when I'm on the toilet..", "thanks for sharing hon". The things we share while camping.

Man, these mosquitos are narley..there biting my fingers, my toes..I decide the safest place, is inside the tent trailor. Bed-time. I take Harley with me..we get away from those nasty, blood sucking, whats the reason..god created Mosquitos! Safe at last, get into the sleeping bags, and all is well again. Steve comes in, gets into bed, and like, whats that smell? I can taste it. Evidently, he decides to take a bath in mosquito repellent..rubbing it on himself, from head to toe. Sigh, it's not that bad..just stay on your side of the bed.. please.

Then the sound of the buzz, right into my ear..Steve turns on the lantern..there's like 50 of them hovering all around the tent trailor..he begins to smash everyone of them..smash 1 on the ceiling..smash one on my pillow..smashed dead mosquito guts..stuck everywhere..I put my head under the sleeping bag..out of sight out of mind..I drift off too sleep...

2am, have to use the bathroom..pitch black outside, there is no way I am venturing out to the Honey Bucket..honey wake up..where's the flashlight..what..we forgot batteries..oh well..if guys can do it, gals can too..I step outside to trailor, squat and go..I view the lake, while in the squat position, the moon is out, and the reflection of the moon, lights the whole lake. It is breath-taking..I come back in, and am thankful for forgetting the batteries.

Sunday morning..I get up early..Harley by my side. Make some coffee, and walk down to the lake, and I go to my Rock that I have always gone too when up here at Bakerlake. No one is stirring anywhere, all is quiet, except for the sound of the splash a few waves coming into shore, and the geese flying over the lake. The lake is cyrstal clear..it looks like glass..and I stare at the snow capped peaks, and as many times as I have been up here, same place, same mountains, same lake, same rock. I never tire of the beauty. It is where I feel the closest to Him.

I praise God for creating all of this for me to enjoy, and in the quietness and in the stillness, I sense His presence. I reflect on all that He has done, the many blessings in my life..all that He has brought me through. For His provision, His protection over myself and family. For this weekend, to spend time with Steve and Harley..although challenging at times, the trials have produced endurance, and I praise Him for that. I thank Him for meeting Caroline, 1 of the teenagers camped next to us..a friend made even if it was just meant for the weekend.

And as I'm reflecting on this whole weekend, I am so Amazed by His creation..and this is why I enjoy camping so much..

Here comes the mosquitos..ok God..I have my limits..no praises for them!

Teri K McShane..7/12/09

I've been Morphed! re-posted

I’ve Been Morphed!
Some of what I’m going to share will be taken from a book that I read while on vacation in Arizona, and how God spoke to me. Here is a blurb out of the book, then I will share how that spoke to me.
"The Tale of Two Butterflies"..This once upon a time tale concerns two butterflies, one named Barbara Butterfly and the other Barry Butterfly. Our heroes are sitting on a twig with their wings stretched out. The membranes are still a little wet, but a gentle breeze is drying their wings. They haven’t taken off yet, but they’re going to give flight a whirl in just a minute. Barbara Butterfly says, "Oh, isn’t it great? do you feel the sunlight? Oh the joy! It’s so good to be out of that cocoon. I can’t wait to try this new adventure--and look down there. flowers and trees, and I think we get to smell them and everything."
Barry turns to her and says, "well, yeah, it is nice to be out of the cocoon, but you know, I knew what I was doing in the cocoon. I know it was dark and I know it was cold, but it also felt somehow secure. And by the way, I get dizzy when I look down. That’s a pretty good drop to the flowers. How do you know these wings are really going to work?
Barbara answers, "Watch!" She jumps off the leaf, and amazingly her wings respond as God created them. She does a few dips and rides a breeze here, checks out several flowers there, takes a climbing left turn, catches a gust of wind, whew! Right back, next to Barry. She breathlessly says, "Barry, it’s beautiful! Everything. Better than I can say. In fact, Barry the sunlight--it’s coming through your wings. Your’re wonderful! your’re beautiful. I wish you could see yourself. there’s a whole world out there. We’ve got a brand-new life! We are not worms anymore. We’re butterflies. We’re new creatures. Oh, it’s going to be so exciting.!"

For Every Season There is a Time reposted

For Every Season There is a Time...Written August 1998..after the loss of my mom

The past few months of my life have probably been the hardest I've ever experienced. It was a time where my faith and trust in God was really put to the test. it was a time when I questioned God and asked Him, "Why?' A time when I was angry with Him and didn't understand His ways and basically told Him how angry I was. it was a time that, when i looked at the circumstances of my life, i could not find anything to give thanks for. A time where I cried so many tears that i didn't think I could cry any more, but I did. A time whee I felt my heart was broken in pieces and had to experience the pain of grief and loss. I know I will experience that pain again, but if I could, I would run away from it. But to run away would be like running away from a part of life, and for reasons that I may never understand, God allowed me to through these times. And just when I get to the point where the pain so unbearable, I finally cry out to God for help. He picks me up so gently and wraps His loving arms around me. Then I realize through those times that I questioned Him, was angry with him and even thought He had abandoned me, I know He understands and still loves me.

Then He begins to restore back the hope that was lost. He allows me to bear my burdens to Him as I tell Him, "I don't understand, God. Why did my mom, my best friend, have to die? She was too young, and I wasn't ready to let her go. It's like when You took her, You took a part of me also." God listens and empathizes with my pain. he understands my protests and when the timing is right, He begins to heal the hurt. He fills the part of me that feels so empty without my mom with his love. Then I realize that no matter what, He will never leave me and I begin to thank Him just for life itself. To be able to wake up and take a breath. I thank him for carrying me through these past months, and I tell Him that I'm sorry for doubting Him. Then He tells me that He understands because He feels what I feel and sympathizes with my weaknesses. I thank him for making me strong in Him when I was weak. "He places my feet upon a Rock and puts a new song in my heart," and i begin to praise Him."

As I sit in our campsite at the end of a four-day weekend with my family surrounded by His awesome creation, I praise Him for being able to get away with my family. It's Monday morning and Steve had to go home last night. Ashley, her friend Brandi and i decide to stay an extra night up here surrounded by the mountains and crystal-clear lake. Last night was kind of scary as I realized we had no lantern and a little food left over from the weekend. But i am confident that we can make it. I pray that God will protect us and encamp his angles around our campsite. I look up into the sky and notice how big and bright the stars are. i praise God for the beauty of His creation. As it starts to get really dark, I make the biggest campfire I can. As Ashley, Brandi and I sit around the campfire, the girls ask to tell scary stories. I thank god for being able to spend some time with my daughter, away from the distractions of home the TV and the phone. So i tell them a scary story that my dad used to tell us called, "The Hook, Drip, Drop, Scratch, Scratch." As the story intensifies, both girls move their chairs closer to mine and Ashley says, "It's okay mom if you want to sleep in our tent tonite." I praise God that she still looks to me as her protector.

The girls need to use the bathroom and are a little apprehensive about walking there alone, especially after all the scary stories we've shared. i assure them that they will be fine and they venture out on the pitch-black trail. i keep a watchful eye on them and as they come back, i decided to hide behind a tree. At just the right moment, I jump out and scream. The look of shear terror on their faces as they scream back causes us all to burst out laughing. We return to the fire and tell some jokes and end the night playing cards. With nothing else to do, we get into our small, dark tent. On the way, I decide to grab a weapon, just in case: my trusty hot-dog roaster. As we settle down, we hear a noise. We think it's someone scratching the outside of our Tent! (Scratch, Scratch).. But we realized it was only pine needles falling off of the tree onto our tent.

In the morning, I get up before the girls, make a fire and some coffee. While the girls sleep, I reflect on the past months of my life. Although there has been some very difficult times, i can't help but notice all the beauty of God's creation that surrounds me. I know that God has brought me through these trials and I praise him for all His blessings this weekend. Then I truly realize and understand "That for every season, there is a time. A time to weep and a time to rejoice!

Seasons

The older I'm getting, the more I'm seeing that my reflection, my mirror (Heart) ...(thanks Grammy for that mirror blog) needs some re-adjustment..some honesty here..as long as I felt good on the outside..cute hair day, make-up to hide those flaws, then I would think that I felt good on the inside..

Since turning 50..things are changing fast..(the outside)..and I'm feeling very insecure on the inside..it's a growth thing..realizing that my happiness, security, feeling good about myself, was so depended on the outward..I desire for my mirror to reflect the beauty that I know only comes from HIM..so I'm really pressing in to HIM...asking that He would my all..

This season of life has been a tough one..empty nest syndrome..trying to find my true identity and purpose..separate from being a wife, mom, etc...realizing that alot of my happiness was dependent on outwardly things, and it wasn't until God started removing those things..in one way or the other, I'm realizing that He hasn't had first place in my life..

I read a blog earlier from a friend..about idols in your life..and in this season of my life..when everything that I was dependent on for happiness, has been in one way or the other been removed, it was only then, I saw the emptiness inside my heart..my idols were my marriage, ( I am still married, but my husband cannot fill that hole, and for along time put that on him), my daughter..who is on her own path now, but for many years, she filled that void.. even church busyness, & ministry became a way to fill that void. Friends who have moved away..a mom who has passed away..a dad who is far away...when God removed those idols, was then.. that I realized He has not been first place in my life...

So although this season is tough..it's kind of that re-finers fire time..it is a time that I am asking God to become that first place in my life..the ONE and only... that can bring purpose, joy, fullfillment...and to be honest..even though I have been a Christian for many years..and thought He was 1, it wasn't until those idols got removed...did I discover...He was not first place..

So even though it feels like winter season, the lonliness, the bitter cold at times..the emptyness..all that I was going through..has brought me to a place of real dependance on HIM...And He is showing me, That it is only in HIM..that can fill those empty places..not husbands, not children, not church, not busyness, not work, not tv, not nothing, Just HIM..