Trust issues!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path." Proverbs 3:5-6.

I memorized this verse years ago, actually convinced myself that I truly believed it, and at times in my walk of faith or lack of I have believed it, or not always dependent on my circumstances .

Mostly, when life and circumstances went my way it was easy to trust. But when life took a detour off the path that I had planned, and went off course, such as maybe health issues, the times my marriage was put to the test, loss, grief, hurt, adult kids that I still worry about, grandkids that I worry about because of the culture they are bombarded by today, fears that all the sudden come out of nowhere.

Life does not go the way we plan, even when we pray. Praying for things that we feel would be God's will, or you think you know that would be God's will. Things maybe like healing, salvation for your family, that your kids would seek the Lord with all their heart, healing for your marriage.

As a Christian, I realize that we are not immune from painful life choices, circumstances, even when we pray His will be done. It doesn't always align up to what our will would be or desire. Even those things you know or think would His will. Does he desire people to be healed, I would think yes. Does He want marriages to be healed? I say yes. Does he want our families and friends to come to salvation? Yes, I would think so. Does He desire our adult kids who we love and want the best for, who may wander at times away from Him, to come back to Him? I would say yes, and yet even when I have prayed, prayers of healing, prayers of salvation for friends and family, prayers for the wanderers that I love. I could go on and on, and I know other friends and Christian Believers who pray such things and yet things didn't go their way. Death, hurt, people not healed, marriages dissolved, prodigals still out there wandering. When I see and experience even personally these things not being answered the way I want, even the way I think that God would want, I ask myself, wouldn't some of these be in His will?

That is when my faith and trust in Him gets really put to the test. And to be honest when things didn't go according to my plans and ways doubt would creep in, lack of trust on God, sometimes despair, sometimes depression, my trust and faith really would be put to the test.

Oh, but on the other side there have been many, many times that God answered and provided, healed, answered, and in those times it was easy to give praise say amen, God is good, Praise You Jesus. I've experienced those seasons, but if I were to be honest when things didn't go as Teri planned, it wasn't so easy to say amen, God is good, thank you Jesus, just being real here.

The first of the year the very first sermon at church for 2017 was on the verse, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, no matter what comes our way this year Trust!. Our pastor put a word picture out there of a game that some of us may have played as kids. When you're blindfolded on a platform and someone is standing behind you asking you just to free fall into their arms trust me. Without questions doubts, just to be able to trust them to catch you when you fall. I do remember playing that game once and the person who was supposed to catch me actually lost their balance and missed and we both went tumbling. But that's not our God, and he does ask me, Teri do you really trust me? And if you do, I want you to free fall into my arms because I will catch you and I will carry you and you can find safety in my arms. I remember God asking me that day if I were willing to free fall and to trust Him, what ever comes my way this year, to just let go and trust Him in everything, and I said yes Lord I want to trust You, I want to free fall into Your arms knowing that even if things do not go my way, I will trust in You .

That was in January and here we are in July. And as I've been wrestling with and trusting God even when things have not gone my way and they haven't, God is still asking me Teri, freefall ..trust Me in the good times and in the bad times and in the ugly times. Even when my prayers may not get answered my way or my timing. Even if healing doesn't come, even in the struggles of relationships and family, even in the hurts, even when finances may not be there. .but look back and see where I have answered, provided, walked with You. In this season I am being tested and challenged that when life goes off track and it does to continue fall and trust Him.

Yes, I still struggle and wrestle with God at times, I argue at times I have my temper tantrums, when I don't understand..His ways, I get that He does not control us like puppets, and everyone has free will..maybe at times I'm comparing Him to my friend when I was a kid, and we played that game, and when I did fall back, and feee fell he missed, but God won't miss. He will catch me, hold me, and work all things out for His good, through the good, the bad and the ugly.

So, I am learning to, "Trust the Lord with all my heart, and lean not on my own understanding". .to free fall into His arms, knowing that He will catch me and that He has my back.

A remebrance of Thanks.

Dear Lord,

Today I just want my prayer to be all about thanks, as I sit on this old country porch, in this old World War 1 creeky Georgian style house at Fort Casey. I am thankful for the quietness of the morning. The smell of the Puget Sound, the song of the morning birds. While going over Deception Pass yesterday, thank you for the view, even the awesome construction of the bridge. The beautiful sunsets while sitting on the bluff last evening. Thank you.

For the deer family, mama and two fawns crossing over the lawn. Walks on the beach. Driftwood, beach rocks, the smell of the dried grass from our drought. Thank you.

The smell of the beach, and the sweet smell of fallen, dried pine needles. A call to my friend Susan W. when I needed some advice and accountability. Thank you.

Lord, all my senses come alive when I quiet myself, turn off the noise in my head, and be still long enough to be able to sense Your presence. At this moment I am so thankful and in awe of the gifts of Your creation. To sense your presence in the smells of the pine needles, (one of my favorite smells) To smell the dried grass. The sight of sunsets while sitting on a bluff, never cease to amaze me, as if You paint each one just for me to enjoy. The sound of surf as it comes to shore. The rooster as it does it's morning err..err..err..err..errrrr. The taste of a good cup of coffee, and the best coconut raspberry muffin I have ever tasted..yum! Thank you

The sound of this old country house, with the creeks in the old wood floor and stairs. The sunrise as it rises over the farms. A morning walk to the beach, a cute little bunny that just hopped across the lawn. (Not to thankful for these annoying no seeums that keep pestering me and flying around my face trying to distract me, or the mosquito that keeps buzzing by my ear). Oops, got off track, this is all about giving thanks and being grateful.

Back on track. Lord, I just wanted to take these few moments and give You thanks for times like this. To reflect on Your goodness and Your blessings. Help me as I return home from this mini retreat, that I will be able to return with all it's many distractions, decisions, and pressures, that I will be able to maintain this attitude of thankfulness and not forget, so why I love to journal, so I won't forget.

That I can praise You even in storms of life, as the song goes, "Blessed be your name when the sun is shining down on me, when the world is all that it should be, Blessed be your name." But even better, that I am able to sing, "Blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering, though theirs pain in the offering, Blessed Be Your Name! Thank you.

Memories and praises etched from Kehie, Maui

Day 3 in Kehie, Maui, and I am awed by His amazing gift to me, for this once in a life time opportunity to come to Maui, Hawaii! God, Thank you, Thank you!! I love You. I don't even understand or get Your love for me, Your gifts and Your blessings are too many! Your love and mercies are over-welming.

I have experienced so many blessings from YOU..in my 56 years of life. I want to treasue them in my heart and remember them always, especially during these days in Kehie. The swaying palm trees in the tropical storm..the swims in the warm Pacific of Kamole Beach..The fragrance of the flowers. Your creation I am so thankful for! God I don't deserve any of this, yet You have chosen to bless me beyond words, sitting here viewing the white caps of the ocean, the walks on the beach. Feeling the smooth, soft, warm sand between my toes, the magnificent surf that splashes onto the lava rocks. The sound of the winds the russle in the palm trees. God for this time, I just want to marvel in Your creation. To soak it up, to remember it, to store it up in my heart as gifts, as nuggets, to put in the bank of my heart. The sunsets that are so different each evening. God You are the artist of the skies, painted with the pinks, purples, oranges...So awesome!!

I love You Lord my God!I am so grateful that You speak to me through Your creation. That You restore my soul. I will always treasure this time inside my soul as I return home, to the realities of life. I will be thankful for this time. The days swimming in the warm Pacific, the song of the birds in the mornings and evenings, the fragrance of the many flowers, the geikos running across the path of my feet. The birds on our Lanai that visted in our condo each morning to say hi, (well to get whatever crumbs they could find).

God, Thank you for just a tiny fraction of what heaven will be like, and that You have prepared such a place for me. Why? I really don't know, I don't deserve it, but I am awed by Your love, Your grace, Your mercies, Your salvation..and that for whatever reason You chose me, You choose to love me, and I guess I am sensing that it has nothing to do with me, but All to do with YOU!

God may I never take that for granted, as I go back home in a few days, I am filled with Your love. God thank you for reviving my heart, when I return home my desire is to live out the rest of my days with purpose, with vision. To be used by You and for You. I don't want my days to be wasted. God, I started off well with You, my desire is to finish well.

The world is in chaos, as You well know. It gets darker by the moment. Oh Lord God, I desire for Your Light inside of me to blaze bright again, in this darkness. To represent You well. No matter what my circumstances. Lord my flesh is weak, but my spirit is willing. I want to shake off the sin that I struggle with. Your Word is Light. I want Your Light to shine. I love You oh Lord my God, my strength, my Rock, my Redeemer. I praise You.

As it is storming right now in Maui, I praise You, and the times when my life may not make sense, or the circmstances that surround me try to rock me, I will continue to praise You. Like the Palm trees outside my Lanai, that are swaying in the winds, still it stands tall. For obviously it's roots are planted deep in the soil God let my roots be firmly planted in Your Word, in You, and You spirit in praise always. Psalms 1:1..(paraphrased from my memory)..And like a tree, she is firmly planted, for she delights in th law of the Lord, and she meditates on it day and night, and her leaves will not wither.

My Prayer in the Wilderness

*I will be with you as I was with Moses. I will not fail you or abandon you. (Joshua 1:5)
Dear God,
Today I want to praise You for this season in the wilderness. For in this season, You removed so much of what I became dependent on to fill those empty places of my heart, that I put before You. Several times You knocked me to my knees as You needed to show me those places in my heart that once again needed some heart surgery, (Ouch). In this time in the wilderness it has caused me to cry out to You, even when I have not felt Your presence. In the wilderness it has shown me my desparate need for you, and you alone to fill the empty places, to deal with some issues that I allowed to entangle and choke out some of the fruit of Your Spirit that You desire for me to walk in. But I am thankful that no matter what You never left me, and Your love and Your grace never leave me.

I am thankful God that You have slowed me down enough, asking me to be still so that You can again deal & heal this heart of mine that needed some healing and dealing. The process has been painful and long as I have had to slow down, and You have revealed some idols in my life that needed to be removed, some of them being busyness, even family, church, things that are good, but if those things come before You, and that first love intimate relationship that somewhere I lost in some life issues, and running to this and that fill those places, but in that missing You. I thank you God that in this, You have shown me Your grace and Your love, so much, that You don't want me to stay stuck.

I am thankful God that I am not alone, that I have characters in the bible who I can relate too, because they too struggled, lost faith, cried out to You, fell down and by Your mercies were able to get back up. I think of Elijah who struggled with depression. I have during the wilderness. Job who at times questioned you why..I have in the wilderness. Thomas who doubted, I have. David who cried out to You, with such honesty and transparancy..thank goodness for David and his heart-felt honesty to You in all things such as loss, temptation, sin, and yet You call him a man after God's own heart.

In my wilderness experience my faith blanket got torn as I have felt discontent and despair, I felt my faith being tested, and I was feeling very afraid and insecure...sometimes when life hits hard and we are put to the test, it reveals our faith or lack of...but thank goodness God, you didn't beat me up in the wilderness or leave me, actually I think You led me there...You have brought me in the wilderness to show my deep need for You. That I can trust You, even when my feelings contradict. In the wilderness I have felt broken, but it's been in the brokeness, that I see my weaknesses, my frailities, my lack of faith, my lack of You and my desparate need for You and Your strength, because this flesh wars against You at times, but thank goodness for Jesus and the cross and that because of my lack of, shows me my need of Your salvation and grace!!!..and in all this I am thankful that I could cry out to You and be honest..that there was no one else to run too but You...and You understand. The longer I am a Christian, the more I see my need for You. Thankyou God, because in the wilderness season I have drawn closer to You. Your love never changed...and I am learning what Your grace and mercies really mean and that I am nothing without You and Your grace..because in me I fail, but in You there I can find hope, strength, mercy, love...Thank you God that in the wilderness... You never left me, in fact it is where I needed to be.

*The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. the righteous person faces many troubles, but the Lord comes to the recue each time. (Psalms 34:18-19)

What is Christianease?

Recently I was in a conversation with a few of my non Christian friends. One of them asked me, why are Christians so poly-anna like? I asked what do you mean. She proceeded to say, like some christians talk so un-real, and when bad things happen, give this pat answer. It got me thinking...how do we respond to real life situations..and how does it make us look to the world and to the reality of when tough things happen. She shared with me that a few years ago she lost a very close friend. She cried and dumped on a Christian friend of hers..who said back to her..well, it was obviously "Gods Will, and that no matter what, you should rejoice in the Lord, because God allowed it. She said that she has never spoken to that friend again.

Another friend once asked me, why do Christians always say things like bless you, and praise the Lord, and amen everything, she said it just seems so fake.

I heard the term "Christianese" before..and made it a point that I will not talk it. We need to be real with ourselves and especially our non-christian friends. When there is loss, don't quote scripture, or say it is all in Gods hands or will. Bad things happen..and I don't believe that it is always because God willed it. We live in a cursed world..and things happen that I believe that God hurts too. Jesus wept when Lazerous died.

It is not natural to loose a child, it hurts when disasters happen and 1000's are killed. It is devasting to the family who may loose a job, their home..and be homeless. I hope that I will never say to those people, well it was all apart of Gods plan. Rejoice in the Lord! Praise God, because God will allow good to come. Some of this may be true..but wouldn't it be better to say nothing at all. To weep with those who weep. To agree that I don't know why bad things happen and it just sucks! And yes, it is ok to be mad at God, He can handle it, and He empathizes with us. Just some of my thoughts and tidbits...wondering what others think how we as Christians should respond when bad things happen.

I'm not saying that its wrong to say terms like bless you, amen, PTL...I just believe that we should be very careful in the timing and the situation.

Still Top Dog!

For almost 9 months my masters daughter hung out at our house. She became my new best friend, playing with me, petting me, and just giving me lots of attention. I looked forward to her being here everyday. But things were about to change!

About a week ago everything seemed different in our home. My mommy was gone at night time. Daddy wouldn't come home until late, and my masters daughter hadn't been here for days. What was going on? Then one day, my best freind came back, but everything was different. Attached to the front of her was the biggest sqeeky toy that I had ever seen. Naturally I'm thinking yay! A brand new sqeeky toy to play with. But this was no ordinary sqeeky toy.

Everyone kept telling me to stay away from this sqeeky toy. It moved and smelled like my masters daughter, and it made lots of funny noises. Of course I wanted to play with it, but people kept yelling at me to stay away. And to make things worse, my masters daughter wouldn't pay any attention to me, and for the whole time this big, sqeeky, toy would never leave the front of her. It just seemed to stay attached the whole time. I use to be top dog of my house, but now this annoying toy was becoming top dog, and I was getting very annoyed by it.

This was a very interesting toy indeed. I mean how could my family not expect me to want to sniff it, and lick it, and play with it? I was ready for this toy to go bye, bye. But no one would ever leave the dang thing alone. One minute alone with this toy, and I would surely try to snag it and bury it somewhere in the back yard, so I could be top dog again.

One day my masters let me get close enough to lick it, and get a good sniff. But there was something different about this toy..it was like it was fragile and needed my protection, like it needed me. Out of no where an instinct took over..and I felt that this new toy needed me. It needed my protection and my unconditional love. Each day my masters allowed me to get closer and closer to this sqeeky toy, and something inside my doggy heart knew that this toy was different, and I became very protected of it. For some reason I sensed that this toy was connected to my masters daughter, they smelt the same too..and I came to accept that this sqeeky toy was different, and that it would be around for a long time, and that maybe someday we would be best freinds!

I realized that I am still top dog of the house, and that my new mission is to protect this new toy that has come into my life, and that this toy is very special!